Cullen Counselling
by ocicat
Summary: Edward and Emmett need to deal with their issues. Just a bit of funny fluff that popped into my head. Please R&R. No longer a one shot...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I dont own Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does.**

**Set at the Cullen house hold a while after the Breaking Dawn.**

Esme: Do you know why you're both here?

Emmett: Yes, Esme.

(Short pause)

Esme: Edward? Stop writhing, please.

Edward: But I; I can't; I need to; BELLA!!

Esme: No, Edward, Bella is doing that for a reason.

Edward: Make. Her. Stop.

Bella: (yelling from the other room) No, Edward, you have to do this without mind reading.

Edward: Love. Ah. Please, just unblock it. So frustrating.

Esme: Calm Edward. Are you calm?

Edward: Maybe, am I calm? I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF JASPER IS DOING THIS!

Esme: Edward, do you know why you are here?

Edward: Yes, Esme, I do.

Esme: Why is that, Edward? Emmett?

Emmett: Because I pick on him and he whinges and tells on me like a little baby to his mummy.

Edward: Because Emmett is an arsehole and we are here to deal with his arsey problems.

Esme: We are here because you two are having issues.

Emmett: What is this? Couples counselling?

Edward: No, Emmett, Rose booked you in for that on _Thursday._

Emmett: Shut up.

Edward: Wow, you should write a book of comebacks. 'Out now, Emmett's book of retorts including such greatness as 'Shut up' 'Go Away' 'you poo' and 'I'll tell mum.'

Emmett: No, Edward that last one was you, cry baby.

Esme: Stop it, both of you. This is what I was talking about. You need to learn to get along. Let us do some exercises. Emmett, what annoys you about Edward.

Emmett: Well… his face, mostly.

Esme: Emmett!

Emmett: Well, whenever I am about to say something smart or witty…

Edward: (coughs_) _never

Emmett: As I was _saying- _whenever I am about to say something smart Edward goes and steals it or laughs and I know it is because of what I am thinking and it makes me feel angry, and it kind of lowers my self esteem. Plus he always says 'Hey, that's a great idea' when nobody has said anything and then everyone is confused and it pisses me off monumentally.

Esme: Yes, Edward, that pisses everyone off. So, Edward would you like to work on those things?

Edward: Yes, of course, I will just shut off the power that I have been using for almost a century at Emmett's whim.

Bella: (from the other room) If you don't, I can.

Emmett: Owned.

Esme: Moving on. Edward, what annoys you about Emmett?

Edward: Well, he is always laughing at Bella, and telling crude jokes targeting me, and when we are out hunting he always tries to kill all the mountain lions before I can get to them.

Esme: Emmett. That is just plain mean. What would you do if Edward killed all the bunnies before you got to them?

Emmett: (whispering) Esme, be quiet, Bella is here, no one but you and Edward know.

Edward: I'm sorry, Emmett, I don't think she meant to spill that you really love to drink **bunny rabbits **over grizzly bears.

_Bella enters the room._

Bella: What was that?

Emmett: We were talking about… umm… Edwards honey crab bits?

Bella: I heard Edward. You love _bunny rabbits? _I am _so_ telling Rosalie about this.

Emmett: Bella, please, just. I am begging you. Don't.

Edward: Muhaha! Alice will have seen Bella's decision to tell Rose by now, and she'll find out anyway!

_Emmett turns to Edward_

Emmett: You are dead, brother dearest.

Edward: Ha ha! Rose is going to know!

Emmett: Dead.

Edward: Hey, I didn't say pull my finger! Ahh! Give it back! Emmett!

_Emmett runs off with Edward's finger and Edward himself chasing him._

Esme: So… that went well.

Bella: Yeah… I'm going to go and… kill some defenceless creatures. Want to come with?

Esme: Sure.

_They leave the house, a second later Alice burst through the doors._

Alice: OMG Emmett eats bunny rabbits?!

**If you like, review. If you dont, tell me what I can do to improve it.**


	2. Edward and Bella

**Disclaimer: I do not** **Twilight, Stephenie Meyer does, to do with it what she will.**

**Set after Breaking Dawn.**

**Esme:** I think by now you know why you're here, after the last session.

_She looks pointedly at Edward._

**Edward:** You're just lucky that I got my finger back, I could have sued.

**Esme:** Seeing as you don't pay in the first place…

**Edward:** Oh, I paid. I paid with a week missing an index finger. Have you ever tried that Esme, maybe you should?

**Esme:** Oh, Bella, I forgot, you can block him now.

**Edward:** Please, don't.

**Bella:** Sorry, Edward.

**Edward: **I thought you loved me.

**Esme: **And that is why we are here. It seems that the past is interfering with your current relationship.

**Edward: **Bella, you know how I like to read peoples minds, infiltrating their most personal of thoughts.

**Bella:** No, Edward. Let's let Esme help us.

**Edward: **Fine, whatever. Go on Esme.

**Esme: **Bella, I think that when Edward left you, you were broken. I think that that has affected the trust that you believe you can place in Edward. Are you still a little bit broken, Bella?

**Bella: **I … don't know?

**Edward:** She knows why I had to go, this is pointless. How will it help to bring up the pain of the past, when it is so easily forgotten?

_Jacob walks into the room and sits down next to Esme, facing Edward and Bella._

**Jacob: **You can't keep avoiding the past, Edward. You have to acknowledge your mistakes in order to move on.

**Edward: **I acknowledged that it may have been wrong to leave Bella when I first returned, you know that.

**Esme: **That is why Bella might still be hurting.

**Edward:** Because I acknowledge that I was wrong?

**Esme:** Because you said that you _may _have been wrong to leave Bella. 'May have been wrong' is avoiding all responsibility for her pain.

**Jacob:** So true, so very true.

**Edward: **Shut up. Why are you even here, dog?

**Jacob: **Turns out that your _daughter _likes dogs _a lot._

**Edward: **Get out.

**Jacob: **I think I will stay… this could get interesting.

_Edward stands up and grabs Jacob by the collar._

**Esme: **Edward, put that dog, boy, sorry, down. This is my house and I think he could shed an interesting light on the time after you left Bella.

**Edward: **Fine.

**Esme: **Bella, when Edward left, what happened?

**Bella: **Edward, leaving? NOO!

**Edward: **Bella? Stop hyperventilating, Bella?

**Jacob: **We talked about Edward once.

**Esme: **What did she say?

**Jacob: **She said, and I quote; 'He was my vamp and I was his tramp.'

**Edward: **Bella?

**Bella: **I never said that.

**Jacob: **Yes, you did. I am not lying, I swear. I said 'So, how have things been since …'

Then you said 'He was my vamp and I was his tramp. Then I said 'And you're okay with me being a werewolf?'

**Edward: **And then I said 'Well, I would like you to continue, but this is monumentally boring.'

**Jacob: **Then I said 'Am I supposed to care?' It must be boring to listen to that conversation over again, seeing as you were there. Oh, wait. You weren't there; you broke her heart and left her a broken zombie. Now I remember.

**Edward: **Then I said 'Maybe I should betroth Renesmee to Mike?

**Bella: **Then _I _said 'Let's stop with the 'I saids'

**Edward: **Then I said…

**Esme: **Stop. Stop that. Nobody said anything. Renesmee is not going to marry Mike. I just had to say that first off. Bella, are you in love with Edward?  
**Bella: **I will always be.

**Esme: **Good, session over, thankyou everyone.

**Jacob: **Why?

**Edward: **Yeah, where do you have to go right now?

**Esme: **No where, I, No where.

_Esme's phone rings. _

_**Carlisle: **__Esme, Are you coming darling, it's all ready…_

**Esme: **Huh, yeah. I am coming…

_She looks nervously around the room._

_**Carlisle: **__Okay, see you in a minute._

**Esme: **So, I am going.

**Edward: **Esme, tell us what you are going to do.

**Esme: **Okay, sure…

_She bolts and is out the door in a second._

**Bella: **Wha..?

**Edward: **Ahhh! Bella, shield, put the shield back up now!!

**Bella: **What? Why?!

**Jacob: **hehe, I would guess… mental images…

**Bella: **Oh…

**Edward: **I'm melting! Melting!!

**R&R **

**Any ideas for future sessions would be appreciated...**

**Ocicat**


	3. Edward and Jacob

Esme: So, Edward, Jacob. Please, do be human Jacob. Thankyou. Clothes would be good too…

Jacob: Oh, sorry about that.

Renesmee: That is _very _ok.

Edward: Get out. Renesmee, go to the movies or something. AND STOP WITH THE MENTAL IMAGES!

Jacob: You know you love them.

Edward: Um… Not so much, no.

Esme: That reminds me. Bella, you can block his thoughts now.

Bella: (_from anther room_) Sure, Esme. My pleasure.

Edward: Bella, please don't.

Bella: Too late. Muhaha!

Edward: I can hear you rubbing your hands together. You don't have to be so evil, you know.

Bella: Don't I?

Esme: Is this going anywhere?

Bella: Only to my **domain of evilness.**

Esme: That would be a no then…

Bella: (_sigh_) Yes, do go on with the group therapy. I'll just sit here… alone.

Esme: You do that. Anyway, so. Jacob, what annoys you about Edward?

Jacob: Well, you see. He reads my mind frequently.

Esme: And…

Jacob: Well… It makes creeping into Nessie's room at night that much more complicated.

Edward: Growl.

Esme: You don't actually say 'growl' Edward. You just growl.

Edward: (_growls_)

Esme: Yes… Well it seems that we have sparked something here. Edward, what was that growl for.

Edward: What do you think, Esme?

Bella: (_still from the other room_) Well, you wouldn't know, would you? Muhahaha!

Esme: Moving on… Edward?

Edward: He is in a 'relationship' with my daughter. It is parental instinct.

Jacob: That makes you sound _old _dude.

Edward: Do not call me dude.

Jacob: Would you prefer 'dudette'?

Esme: I don't understand the words that you're using, but good point Edward. Jacob, let's talk about your relationship with Renesmee.

Jacob: Hmm… well… it is a very _physical _relationship.

Edward: I hate you, dog.

Jacob: (_Putting on some glasses and sliding them down his nose.) _Yes, indeed. Let's get serious here. Before I imprinted on your one and only daughter, when she was a mere infant…

Edward: _(muttering) _Paedophile…

Esme: What was that Edward?

Jacob: Yes, what was that Edward deary? Oh, I know. You called me a paedophile. How old was Bella when you knocked her up? Hmm… lets see… She was eighteen. Not so bad… You were, what was it? One hundred and fifteen?

Esme: One hundred and seventeen.

Jacob: Yes, thankyou Esme. Now, discuss.

Edward: I'm sorry; I forgot that dogs could get a psychologist's degree.

Esme: Off track. Off track. Back on track. Jacob, you and Nessie.

Jacob: Before Nessie I was in love with someone else.

Edward: Yes; Bella, I know. You tried to steal her.

Jacob: No, Edward. Not Bella (_suggestive wink_)

Edward: Umm… I'm sorry, what?

Jacob: Before I met Nessie I was in love with someone else (_suggestive eyebrow wiggle) _

Edward: (_backing away_) Bella, I would really appreciate it if you let me read his mind right now.

Bella: …

Edward: Bella? Please, he is coming closer.

Jacob: Yes, Edward. I am. Just let me stoke your hair. Your bronze, just-out-of-bed-look tousled hair…

Edward: Bella!!

Bella: Why?

Edward: I want to…

Jacob:  You want to what, Edward? You want to _what_?

Edward: I want to see if he is lying!

Bella: I really don't feel like it.

Edward: Please?! THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!

Jacob: (_Approaching Edward_) Come here SNOOKUMS!

_They both run out of the house, Jacob chasing Edward with his arms outstretched._

Esme: That was… developmental?

Bella: (_walking into the room_) Don't worry Esme, you don't need words. Just the shocked silence will do.

**Twenty minutes later.**

_Edward and Jacob walk in. Their hair is tousled, and their clothes are ripped._

Edward: He was lying.

Jacob: Come on, this wolf is too man to want to be with a man. I'm just fine with your daughter for now, snookums.

Bella: Are you sure he was lying. Cause it looks like you too got up to something… exciting.

Edward: OMG, NO!

Jacob: No need to over-react; that was just insulting.

Edward: He chased me, and then we had a fight, and then we were out of the zone and all I could hear in his head was maniacal laughter. Hence, we returned with me thoroughly frustrated.

Bella: Sure, sure.

Edward: You don't believe us?

Bella: Sure I do. I mean, _of course _I do.

Edward: You don't, do you?

Bella: No, not really, snookums.

Jacob: So… I am going to go 'play' with Nessie. See you both. I had a lovely time, by the way Edward (_wink_)

_Jacob leaves._

Bella: Of course I believe you. _Of course._


End file.
